The Speech Surgery part three - the father-of-the-bride gets the spotlight

The Speech Surgery - with Heidi Ellert McDermott, Founder of Speechy and author of The Modern Couple’s Guide to Wedding Speeches

The wedding speech tradition is as prevalent as ever and is still very much one of the key parts of the day. For some, public speaking comes quite naturally, and they wouldn't think twice about standing up and 'performing' on cue, while for others it may cause sleepless nights and anxiety but the pressure of pleasing a loved one means you can't say no! Fear not, whether you're a pro and want to heighten your speech, or a novice and you need some advice on how to settle those nerves, Heidi is here to answer your all-important questions... 


My dad keeps reading different speech etiquette advice and he’s now worried about what he’s meant to include in his speech. What is a father-of-the-bride meant to say these days?

With so much advice online it’s no wonder so many speakers get confused. The good news is, like all the different aspects of a wedding, the traditional etiquette is no longer so important. In fact, a lot of it feels outdated and pointless.

Wedding speech etiquette in 2024 just comes down to being polite, tactful, and grateful. It’s common sense really. No one needs to address the guests as ‘ladies and gentlemen’ unless they want to; in fact a ‘hello, everyone’ can set a more casual and confident tone.

All speakers should try to be themselves and, rather than formal, go for a more conversational style. Some dads that we work adopt a ‘posh’ or serious persona when we do delivery coaching with them – but actually, every speaker should try to come across as relaxed. Guests feel in safe hands if you smile and look like you’re enjoying yourself.  

As they’re generally the first speaker on the line-up, dads need to welcome everyone for coming to the wedding and helping the couple celebrate. However, fathers don’t need to thank any individuals (that’s the newlywed’s job!) – but they may want to acknowledge any special elderly people in attendance.

Father should acknowledge the impact the bride’s mother has had on his daughter and thank her for being a great mum over the years. Easy, if they’re still happily married but if not, we’d still encourage dads to give a thoughtful tribute. Your daughter will be thankful, and a wedding is not the time to harbour any grudges.

If the bride’s mother has passed away, a more significant toast should be made to her. Try to do this towards the end of your speech so you keep the bulk of your speech joyous. Discuss with the nearlyweds in advance of the day if they would like you to raise a toast to any other absent friends or dearly departed loved ones or if they will be doing that themselves.

Finally, conclude your speech by asking everyone to join you in a toast to the happy couple. You can opt for a classic toast, a funny toast, or our favourite, share a heartfelt wish for their future together.


Should I try to memorise my speech or use notes? And should I use cue cards or my phone to read from?

Delivering without notes is like doing a wheelie; pretty cool but, ultimately, unnecessary. Yes, there’s a joy in witnessing someone’s spontaneous thinking (even if that ‘spontaneity’ has been scripted and memorised), but unless you are very experienced at public speaking, going freestyle isn’t for the fainthearted.

And, even if you are a highly capable speaker in a business context, a wedding audience is unlike any other you’ve presented to, so I would still recommend having notes to hand. Notes are not a sign of weakness, it’s simply evidence that you’ve prepared. And why, if you’ve spent weeks perfecting your speech, would you just aim to deliver a sloppy version of it?!

So, what sort of notes should you use? It comes down to personal preference but my recommendation, every time, is old school A4 paper. Mobiles and iPads are increasingly being used (and they will inevitably become more common), but, personally, I’m not convinced. Tech may be what you expect a modern couple to use but I think it looks overly casual and sends out the wrong message.

How many of us get annoyed when our loved ones get lost looking at a screen? For many of us, feeling frustrated is an inherent reaction when someone looks at their phone in our company.
And, although many people assume a device is easier to handle than pieces of paper, in my experience it’s clumsier. You end up scrolling too far or accidentally flicking on to another page. So, personally, I wouldn’t risk it.

I suspect I’ll always prefer cue cards and paper. And paper trumps. Less flicking necessary. I advise buying good quality paper that’s slightly thicker than your standard office A4. Ideally something between 120-140gsm to help reduce paper-shake.
Make sure the bottom third of the page has no text so your eyeline doesn’t drop too low, and ensure the page turn is at an appropriate point i.e. after a story has concluded, where you’d expect laughter or if there’s a natural pause.

For more advice on the best ways to deliver a speech visit speechy.com/product/delivery-coaching-service

If you missed The Speech Surgery's first and second installment you can read them here: part one and part two.